Fear is no laughing matter

Yesterday one of the most terrifying things that could happen to me happened; a piece of my tooth fell out. I'd say 'go ahead and laugh', only I don't really understand what's so amusing about other people's misery. I am terrified of dentists, which actually is one of the common things to be afraid of, but many people suffering from this phobia find it shamefull. I don't feel particularily ashamed of having this phobia, however I do know what it's like to be made a mockery of because of it, so I do understand why other people don't come forward.

I haven't always been this way, there was a time where I had no problem sitting in that chair, a time where the sound of the drill didn't cause an anxiety attack, a time where the word 'dentist' didn't cause chills to go down my back. I know exactly where my phobia stems from and if I had the chance to go back and erase one incident from my life, it would be that one fatefull session.

I was thirteen years old and I think it was the first time I went to the dentist alone. It was also the first and only time where I drilled without sedatives. Safe to say it hurt, but the excruciating pain was not the worst of it. The dentist didn't stop drilling, even when I screamed from the pain. I waved my arms and the dentist only stopped to yell at me. Eventually all that was left was the polishing, and I was promised that that wouldn't hurt. Well, it did, only the dentist didn't believe me when I said it. I was told polishing didn't hurt.

Immediately after this experience I was proud that I had made it through, the terror didn't set in until it was time for me to go back. The sound of the drill was enough to make my teeth hurt, even with sedatives. We even tried putting music on my ears to neutralize the sound of the drill, but no matter how much I tried to block it out, it didn't work. I barely got through that session.

Eventually I was allowed to have treatment under anestesia. I was still a bit afraid, and walking into that room and seeing all those equipment... that was incredibly scary. But then they set the anestesia and I was asked to open my eyes (I hadn't even realized I had closed them), apparently I had been asked to do so one more time, but by that time I was completely knocked out. When I came to I was groggy and my mouth ached a bit since they had pulled a tooth and I was still bleeding from it. But what I remember the most about that time was the huge relief to know that everything had been fixed and I hadn't needed to be awake from it.

The next time I headed into the dentist's office I was confident that they had recognized my problem, and that I would be able to get this treatment from now on. However I was told that that wouldn't be possible. The woman even haughtily said I was too old to be afraid, and she even forced me to sit and listen to the drill. I never went back to that place. The next time they called me in to an examination I was so hysterical my parents eventually let me get out of it.

A piece of a filling fell out from one of my teeth, and I was filled with terror. Even though I knew I should get a new filling right away (which meant undergo drilling), but I simply couldn't go through with it, so I got a temporary cement filling to stop the problem from getting bigger. When that too fell out I didn't do anything. I just couldn't face another dentist. A little over four years ago I woke up having the most excruciating pain, it was like someone was drilling in my tooth, only there was no drill. I had no choice but to go to a dentist. They wanted me to have a root canal, but I just couldn't go through with it. Instead I had it pulled. It was an uncomfortable experience, but not one filled with terror. However I knew I couldn't pull every single tooth I had, so the problem wasn't solved.

Last year it happened again, a piece of a filling fell out. This time it was a tooth further out, which meant a much more difficult procedure to have it pulled. I didn't do anything, I just couldn't bear the thought. And while I knew where this road would take me (waking up in horrible pain) I was simply too afraid to go in and even try to do something about it.

What made yesterday different was that the piece that fell out was not a filling, but a part of the actual tooth. I broke down, completely, utterly. There was no talking me up for the poor unsuspecting people in my class who witnessed it. I was shaking and crying when I called a clinic to ask about how happy gas worked, at the end of the conversation I was still not convinced this method would work on me. But what the woman on the phone did was give me new hope, because she let me know that one of the other clinics in town offers anestesia. I had to work up my courage to call them, but at the end of that conversation I made an appointment to get an overhaul of what needs to be done and the cost would be.

I was nervous when I showed up for my appointment, and it didn't help me to hear the drilling from a nearby room as they took my x-ray. I was shaking and crying while talking to the dentist and his assistant, but they were both incredibly nice to me. There was no judgement of any kind, I was assured that many others both older and 'tougher' are unable to undergo treatment without anestesia, that there is no shame in it. I managed to sit in the chair while the dentist examined my mouth with the mirror and took additional x-rays. And after he revealed exactly how many holes I had (18) and how he also wanted to pull two of my wisdom teeth, I was completely calm. Because he assured me that he would be able to fix all of this in one session under anestesia, and that we could do this already next month.

I managed to sit there and talk nutrition, dental hygene and everything with that man, and I was both calm and collected when I left that place. The price is steep, but if it means getting it all fixed without any traumatic experience, then it doesn't matter. And knowing that I will be able to do this should I need it in the future, I think my general relationship with dentists and professions related to dentists will improve. Not to the degree that I will be able to undergo treatment while awake, but the idea of having a check-up will probably not cause an anxiety attack.

I am sharing this part of me with you, first of all to show that I am not ashamed of being afraid, no matter how much I have been riddiculed for it. I also want to put a story behind a phobia, so that those lucky enough to be without phobia may understand better what it really is like. Because I know I'm acting irrationally, we know we're acting irrationally when we are faced with our fears, whether they are dentists, doctors, snakes, spiders, insects, the dark, flying, small confined spaces, huge crowds, large open spaces, or something else entirely. But we are unable to control it. Nobody wants to be afraid of anything, they just are. I would love to be able to walk into a dentist's office, sit down in the chair and let them do the work, because it is no fun to feel my teeth rotting in my mouth. Trust me.

I hope anyone reading my story thinks twice the next time they want to laugh at someone's fear. It might seem silly to you, but it's dead serious for whoever having this phobia, and people laughing is not going to help them one bit.